i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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