I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
