I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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