omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I am midnight drunk by noon
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
