i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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