So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
He uses pillows to masturbate.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
