Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
