i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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