So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
