rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
