I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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