We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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