i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
