Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
