yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Randomize
