Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Send help, water and tortillas.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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