If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
