Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
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