His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
