He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
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