I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I think I sprained my soul last night
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
