she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
