So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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