everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Randomize
