Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
