You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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