Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
mondays should just be called national damage control day
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
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