I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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