I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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