you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
