he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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