The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Mom said you looked used
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Randomize
