hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Randomize
