like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
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