Cold hands, warm shart.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Your penis caused this!
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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