my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize