drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I just want to make out with him forever
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Randomize
