I accidentally had phone sex last night
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
