I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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