She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
