i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
