I could make wine with my vomit
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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