i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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