i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Randomize
