When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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