last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
