You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
