I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Randomize
