The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
