i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
