Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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