We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
My liver just had a heart attack.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
