I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
