The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Randomize
