its not stalking. its research.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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