my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize