So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
tell me about the fingering
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