1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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